There are a few reasons why I haven’t worked on my blog in a while.
First and foremost: I have a toddler.
She seems to think I should devote most of my time to her. Feeding her, changing her, playing with her, digging crayons out of her teeth… She’s so needy. Psh.
Second of all: I’ve been fighting with migraines quite a bit lately.
If you’ve known me really any time at all, I have probably flaked out on you because of a headache. Maybe I even missed your birthday party…and I’m talking, like, tenth birthday – because I’ve had headaches for pretty much as long as I can remember. I left a lot of slumber parties early, missed several field trips and skipped out of many morning classes. They’ve been a constant part of my life and something that I’ve always just taken for granted.
I am susceptible to debilitating headaches that often affect my ability to function normally. Isn’t everyone?
Fortunately, for most of my twenties I pretty much had my headaches under control. With the right combination of preventative medication and lifestyle choices, I only suffered from a few severe migraines a year – and those I was able to treat with an abortive medication, Imitrex, which is pretty much one of my favorite things ever. Considering when I was younger I would sometimes get at least one a week and would simply have to wait out the pain by using meditation, ibuprofen and cold packs – things weren’t too bad. I was able to go to work regularly. I could go to parties and make plans without worrying whether or not I would get a headache. And despite mild anxiety about getting a migraine on my wedding day, I made it through without a single twinge.
Then I had a baby. Funny how those cute little monkeys change everything about our bodies, isn’t it?
While we were trying to get pregnant, while I was pregnant, and for a few months after, I had to go off of all of my preventative migraine medication. Cold turkey. None of it. Not even my beloved Imitrex.
I was terrified.
I had been on one of my medications for nearly twenty years. Even the thought of taking it away gave me the shakes! But somehow, even while giving me horrible heartburn, hip pain from hell, and swollen ankles – pregnancy also took away my migraines. It was amazing. It wasn’t until BG was about four months old that the familiar pain that I used to know so well snuck its way back into my brain.
Is it weird to say that I missed it? It is weird. I know. I don’t think I really missed my migraines. Because they suck. Ooooh, do they suck. But they have been a part of me for so long that when I felt one again, it was like seeing an old friend. Or a frenemy in this case, I guess…
I went back on my meds pretty quickly. At first things seemed to go well, but then I started getting headaches more frequently. Once a week. Then sometimes more than once a week… Then, out of the blue, a new symptom decided to join the party and I lost my vision for about two hours.
Scary shit, dude. Let me tell you.
I was home with the Baby Girl, going about our normal day when I noticed dark spots in my field of sight. They continued to get worse and worse until I couldn’t focus or see anything in front of me. I dumped the kid into a disposable, made sure she had a sippy cup, and closed us up in her bedroom while I called my husband to come home and make an emergency eye doctor appointment.
I was panicking. I was certain that I had a tumor or that I was losing my sight for good or that I was having an aneurysm or something horrible… (It was probably a good thing I couldn’t Google to see that my symptoms were obviously death.)
But nope. None of the above. Just a damn migraine. By the time we got the doctor, I was starting to experience migraine symptoms and my vision was beginning to return. Apparently I had just experienced my first Ocular migraine.
W. T. F. Amirite?
Since then, I have had one other ocular migraine and many other regular migraines. My G.P. upped the dose of one of my preventives, despite the fact that the last time I was on a higher dose of it I went a little off the deep end… We decided to try it just for a little while to see if it would help. But, as anticipated, it has started messing with me. I knew this would happen when she prescribed it, but hoped against hope that maybe this time it would work and I would feel awesome. Maybe I’d even get that cool side effect of ‘weight loss.’
Ha. Hahahaha. Haha.
Instead I’m back riding in the depression boat, this time with memory loss to boot. I keep forgetting key parts of my daily routine and it is really making me feel like a horrible mother and wife. Which really helps keep my depression boat afloat, let me tell you…
So, I’ve finally scheduled an appointment with a neurologist. We will see what they find. I don’t have high hopes considering I’ve lived with the threat of migraine pain for over twenty years. But maybe. Just maybe this will be the magic moment I finally kiss one of my longest known frenemies good-bye.